paintedpassion (paintedpassion) wrote,

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a foundation i cannot dare forget

it's been nearly two years since i've written in this journal. this livejournal, o so very important. i came to a crisis towards the end of last year, mostly because of losing a foundation that i so strongly built. as we learn from literature, once a center is destroyed, it can never be brought back... a new one can be built, but the same center may never come back.

my center wasn't destroyed because after i hit a crisis, i quickly realized i need to go back to what makes me me, what makes me whole, what makes me tick. recently, i looked back at this journal and realized... what makes me whole is right there in my face, i looked at boxes i put in my closet full of recent memories, poems i wrote, old used books i scribbled on and taped bart and muni tickets in, film that makes me feel good, events i used to attend... all is still the same, the year is different and the world has changed... but o too much is the same. and i'm glad for that.

since my last entry, let me fill you in about my life. the biggies at least.

*i moved to san francisco, achieving my dream to live in the city

*i started college

*i originally lived in the mission district with roommates. i left that situation and i moved to nob hill where i live now, in a studio

*i broke up with carlos

*i became closer with my mom, and my brother

*i had a cat, named isabel, who i recently got rid of

*i lost contact with friends, i regained contact with the important ones

*i fell in hardcore, head-spinning love with a boy who meant the world to me

*we had a date where we spent the entire night walking around the city, eating ice cream, and spent the dawn at the golden gate bridge, watching the sun rise, where we had our first kiss

*i hurt him, and he hurt me

*i had my longest relationship, of far over a year

*i intensely and cruely had my heart broken, the most hurtful feeling ever, i cried a lot

*we got back together after several months

*we broke up, it hurt less this time because i realized he's changed

*i dated and finally decided to stop dating and be alone, and be happy

*now we're friends, but i know deep down he's changed way too much for me to ever love him again. we're too different.

*i gained weight during our relationship, i became anti-social and unhappy

*i lost weight, about 30 lbs.

*i hurt for myself, i lost passion

*i picked myself up, i remembered what makes me tick

*i fell in love with myself again

*i started working when i moved to the city. with an environmental agency, with express men, with victoria's secret, with starbucks, with macy's union square, with banana republic and currently... an independent organic granola shop. i love this job.

*i became independent again

*i went back to my center

and now i'm here, on this journal to start writing again. to write about my inspiration and passion and love or not. to write about my joy of being able to be a part of humanity... a part of a world so beautiful it makes me cringe with delight.
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