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Saturday, June 3rd, 2006

Subject:a past memory
Time:1:45 am.
a story of a first heart break


my eyes watered up like i was swimming in the ocean of the onions and i remember so vividly how it felt to have my first broken heart, my first lost love. what's one to do in this scenario? i had no past experience, and even if i did, nothing can make one's heart callous, humanity's weird like that. i cried. i cried, i cried alone and finally in union square i picked up my phone and call my mother.

why? because i went back to my instincts, wanting to curl up in the fetal position and forget all about him, the one who did this to me. but i can't. i'm too old. her voice comforted me and i cried on the phone like an infant. the tears were not able to hold themselves back, the gunshot fired in the air and zoooooom, they're off... rolling down in my face, running with no grief and no regret at their freedom.

mom told me, get on bart and come home. i did and i'll never forget this moment as long as i live, even when i'm 92. it was late and bart was going to stop running soon, i caught one of the final trains to the east bay. i went home, she left the porch light on... all cliche, all beautiful. i opened the door, mom's sleeping, the house is dreaming. it felt like pain hasn't ever entered this place, though i know it has.

i turned on the television, i relaxed on the sofa and then i heared her wake up. she came near me and she hugged me like never before, one of those "i love you, i love you, you're so loved" sorta hugs. and we talked. we talked and chattered like old women playing bridge and she comforted me with words, only words that no one person in a world of over six billion could come even half a centimeter close to. i went to my old room and slept and she was there in the morning. later that day, she took me to the bart station and she let me know, again, how loved i am. i got on the train and floated back into the city.

she was there for me like i knew she would be.
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Monday, May 15th, 2006

Subject:a foundation i cannot dare forget
Time:3:55 pm.
Mood: calm.
it's been nearly two years since i've written in this journal. this livejournal, o so very important. i came to a crisis towards the end of last year, mostly because of losing a foundation that i so strongly built. as we learn from literature, once a center is destroyed, it can never be brought back... a new one can be built, but the same center may never come back.

my center wasn't destroyed because after i hit a crisis, i quickly realized i need to go back to what makes me me, what makes me whole, what makes me tick. recently, i looked back at this journal and realized... what makes me whole is right there in my face, i looked at boxes i put in my closet full of recent memories, poems i wrote, old used books i scribbled on and taped bart and muni tickets in, film that makes me feel good, events i used to attend... all is still the same, the year is different and the world has changed... but o too much is the same. and i'm glad for that.

since my last entry, let me fill you in about my life. the biggies at least.

*i moved to san francisco, achieving my dream to live in the city

*i started college

*i originally lived in the mission district with roommates. i left that situation and i moved to nob hill where i live now, in a studio

*i broke up with carlos

*i became closer with my mom, and my brother

*i had a cat, named isabel, who i recently got rid of

*i lost contact with friends, i regained contact with the important ones

*i fell in hardcore, head-spinning love with a boy who meant the world to me

*we had a date where we spent the entire night walking around the city, eating ice cream, and spent the dawn at the golden gate bridge, watching the sun rise, where we had our first kiss

*i hurt him, and he hurt me

*i had my longest relationship, of far over a year

*i intensely and cruely had my heart broken, the most hurtful feeling ever, i cried a lot

*we got back together after several months

*we broke up, it hurt less this time because i realized he's changed

*i dated and finally decided to stop dating and be alone, and be happy

*now we're friends, but i know deep down he's changed way too much for me to ever love him again. we're too different.

*i gained weight during our relationship, i became anti-social and unhappy

*i lost weight, about 30 lbs.

*i hurt for myself, i lost passion

*i picked myself up, i remembered what makes me tick

*i fell in love with myself again

*i started working when i moved to the city. with an environmental agency, with express men, with victoria's secret, with starbucks, with macy's union square, with banana republic and currently... an independent organic granola shop. i love this job.

*i became independent again

*i went back to my center

and now i'm here, on this journal to start writing again. to write about my inspiration and passion and love or not. to write about my joy of being able to be a part of humanity... a part of a world so beautiful it makes me cringe with delight.
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Saturday, June 5th, 2004

Time:11:37 am.
yesterday was pretty amazing and I felt so good, I went to san fran with no idea what to do, as usual, so I got some organic, vegan soup at the harvest market and added hot sauce and soy sauce and it was so mmm, I ate it on a bench outside and people watched and dipped my bread in the soup. after, I walked to castro and 18th to get carlos his boutineer, I ended up getting a pink rose but the man said to come back in a few minutes so he can get it ready so I went to a different light bookstore and looked around, I noticed that throughout the day I was feeling really good about myself and had high self-esteem, but looking at the really attractive guys in the magazines there made me feel so average-looking, I ended up leaving after I picked up a program of the sf gay and lesbian film festival, I want to see margaret cho's revolution (I met her recently). I went back to castro flowers and the man still hadn't completed my boutineer, he hadn't even started it, I noticed though I was going to be in san fran for a while so I thought that if I get it now, it would be wilted and ugly when I got home, so I told him I'd pick it up around 10-11. I went to starbucks because I noticed I was feeling a bit tired and I got a venti coffee and added lots of sugar to it and that really perked me up, I was jittery after, I stayed there for a short time and wrote in my journal and read the paper. after, I went downtown to virgin to mooch of some music and they were having free big red sticks at the front and that appealed to me so I got gum, yum yum yum. I finally got a muni pass after that and took a ride on a cable car, I haven't done that in so long, I was hanging off the side, all happy, and I got off at hyde and chestnut and walked to the sf art institute to go check out the diego rivera mural again, they had this exhibit that was really cool and they had this video that was amazing, but after watching it for like 10 minutes, I had a really icky reaction and ran out of the room, I felt ashamed of myself because I still have little fears and they bother me. I walked down to north beach then I powered walked up the hills to hyde and union, I walked by zarzuela's, I want to go back there, I have good memories there. I waited for the next cable car and listened to my ipod and one came and I waved it down and jumped on the side and hung on and the cool air was blowing in my face and the streetlights had just turned on, man.

I asked the cable car man to let me off at california st. where I caught another cable car to van ness, I went to whole foods and I was going to make vegetarian paella, but I ended up getting french bread, feta, spicy hummus, salad, emergen-c, bottled water, beans, organic potato and leek soup, and peaches. mmm. I got on muni metro at the van ness stop and noticed how attracted I was to this shy guy writing in his journal, I was standing with my groceries and got off at the castro station, walked to castro flowers and picked up the boutineer. I hopped back on muni and got off at the powell street station, on muni, I had this weird rush and felt tired all of the sudden, like all the energy drained from me as if there was a saringe in my being. at least it hit me at a decent time because other wise I don't know if my day would have been so wonderful.

I went home after and I noticed this boy at the bus stop who kept staring at me, maybe it was just in my mind, as usual.

I got home and got into a fight with carlos because he thinks I should tell him if I am going to be home at a certain time that I NEED to be home at that time and it really pissed me off because it's my life, I'm with him, but it's my life still, I am an individual, let me be.

let me be.
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Friday, June 4th, 2004

Subject:again
Time:10:23 am.
yesterday

in sf
went to the church st. station
listened to sixpence
felt mmm
walked to valencia
stared around
2 tacos at el toro
black beans and rice
chips and salsa
so d-lish
walked to the sexy cafe but
closing
bummer, man
walked around
church st. station
again and again
back to powell
back in virgin
got a piece of big red
back to bart
back home
bummer, man
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Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Time:11:32 pm.
my heart and my love goes out to the 200 people who were murdered in the attacks in madrid.

viva españa
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Time:9:08 pm.
Mood: calm.
and I don't want to keep you on my mind 'cause everytime
your image freezes in my mind, my eyes burn and my
body turns into ripe spaghetti.
my wseet, I wish you'd know I've never felt like this
it's the third day and your face is immortalizd in
my silly thoughts, your big big eyes and their
dark, dark shade, sexy hair and comforting frown lines
plump cheeks and yummy lips;
I want you.
to think my life another day writing
sappy, sappy poetry
so come to me, see me
see me and finally let's make sweetly cliché serendipity
and I can grin and you'll equally grin back and
my body will become david. next to you, walking side
by side, our fairy tale with
love.

so come on boy, tonight let's flee to dolores park
and climb to the highest hill and stare
at the city
you and me, clenching hands so tight
dreaming what should be.

so until tomorrow you're alive in my head
swaying like some pristine mirage
I want you, and I know
you want me
why do things have to stay so, so bumpy?
now I'm at the edge of the precipice falling off so slowly
my fingers crookedly tearing off the ledge
waiting for you to show up
because it'd feel so orgasmic to fall//
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Saturday, March 6th, 2004

Subject:yesterday: 3
Time:11:48 am.
Mood: hungry.
yesterday I went to see the triplets of belleville and ate a burrito, a good one with spicy chicken, black beans, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, sour cream on a red tortilla, I drank a can of orangina and had chips and salsa on the side. I adore the triplets of belleville, except the end makes me want to cry since madame souza is not there anymore and she is such a sweetheart, before that, I went to virgin to listen to the queer eye for a straight guy soundtrack, I wanted to dance... all things just keep getting better//
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Sunday, February 29th, 2004

Subject:today// 2
Time:7:38 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
went to SF again, bart was acting kinda funky and when I got on a dublin train was on the outbound platform going towards richmond and SF and it was leaving, I was like... okay, and I remembered that bart wasn't having direct trains from fremont or dublin to SF because they were fixing a station or something, so I took the richmond train to the 12th st. oakland station and transfered to the SF train and WHOO, finally I arrived in SF, I was really undecided about which station to get off but I saw this really cute boy and I noticed he was sorta looking at me and I was looking at him, in short, nothing happened but he got off at civic center so I decided I would too because I could catch a haight bus and go to haight-ashbury, I did, but I was tempted to get off and I did at fillmore, it was kind of embarrassing because the bus was packed packed and I had to squeeze to the back door and the back door wasn't opening and some guy told me to yell to the driver half way across a crowded bus and I was like... my voice is dead, I felt so meek and shy to yell in a full bus, that was so odd that I felt like that since I am usually so outspoken, it really made me think.

some sweet lady yelled for me to the driver and the back doors opened, I felt so awkward when I stepped off and I walked to duboce st. where I then walked to the church st. metro station, it was amazing to see some cute artsy girl taking photos of the station, I waited and waited and got on a packed train, I had to squeeze on, I got off one stop after at the castro st. station, I went back to the starbucks on 18th and got some orange tea and added a lot of sugar, I found a gay newspaper and read it, it was talking mainly about the gay weddings but they had some sexy personal ads, they made me kinda horny. I like smiling at people in starbucks, I did that a lot.

I took the 33 to haight ashubry from the castro and saw a studio for rent, how I'd love to live in that area. I got to the haight and was looking for an african resturant to eat at but I saw it and it was kinda seated for people who weren't alone, I felt awkward and instead went to get a crepe, spinach and feta... MMM... it was delicious, however, it didn't fill me up. I went to this organic grocer and got some trail mix... it had tamari almonds in it... I really like the taste, I decided to go to golden gate park and go find some secluded area and be alone with my thoughts, but I saw a drumming circle and all these homeless people juggling and trying to stay warm and stuff so I decided to sit on a hill near it and watch, I was still relatively alone, this dog kept coming near me, it looked like s/he wanted my attention.

I watched the people trying to stay warm, I felt bad for them, I ate my trail mix and stayed pondering and observing and eating all at once, dusk was over and night hit, I decided maybe I should go... I got up and caught the 5 fulton at perfect timing [I love that bus ] I observed people and some lady came on near usf, she smelled like ham, but she seemed very sweet, I saw this little old asian lady whose feet couldn't reach the ground, I wanted to give her a hug, she smelled like a grandmother though, that funky perfume... she was cute. fulton and mcallister streets are so lovely. the bus terminated and I had to walk through part of the tenderloin... ahem, it wasn't particuarly lovely, I got to hardcore downtown and went to starbucks, I saw the new apple store, I got some tea again, I knew exactly what I wanted

venti passion please, one tea bag
I took out a dollar fiveteen promplty and added my sugar
ahhh
so I went to the powell st. station making sure my tea didn't spill, I saw some guy who I saw previously, I think he looked at me, I got way underground and a bunch of people had ipods, I had mine on, it was like a little community.
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Time:11:02 am.
Mood: blank.
I don't know how it feels about me,

but I adore you, san francisco;
I ache for you.
my eyes are fixated on you on this
starry night
from the top of the first hill in dolores park,
this is where I want to love;
this is where I want to be alone;

this is where I come to dream.

catch me, san francisco
I am at the edge of the precipice
soaring into the bustle
and here I go//
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Saturday, February 28th, 2004

Subject://raw, yesterday: 1
Time:9:03 pm.
Mood: hyper.
well, for a formal entry recapping a day, what happened today was not very lovely and I did not adore it, so I should write about yesterday I suppose... I hopped on bart and went to san fran where I was super hungry so I got off at 16th st. to get a burrito at zapata, pancho villa is good and everything, I just like zapata because it is further in the heart of hardcore valencia, well anyway, I got a burrito with spicy chicken and black beans ordered fully in spanish... well, almost fully. I walked around aimlessly for a while which was all good, walked to the church st. metro station and then I took the train downtown, went to virgin and listened to triplets of belleville cd... damn that movie was GOOD! so I took went to see the new mac store, from the outside at least... I then took a cable car [powell-mason] to chestnut and went to the sf art institute to see the diego rivera mural... that is so beautiful, it makes me want to smile.

later, I walked down to washington square where I sat in the cold and watched couples walk by me while sitting in the midst of the cathedral, I took out my journal and tried to write a poem, but the cold was getting to me so I just wrote down what I observed:

lighted trees
old, bustling italian resturants
cafes, cafes, cafes
chinese families passing me by
illuminated cathedral
muni busses
street lights with circular balls
narrow streets
bohemian-like flair
in a park where my ancestors [beats] wrote their world
I write mine


I was freezing, I couldn't move my hands that much, me and my short sleeves, oh well... so I caught a cable car back and went back to powell, I took the metro to the west portal station, I wanted to see if I could see this abondoned station between castro and forest hill that I read on the internet, it was called eureka valley and supposively some remains are left of the station in the twin peaks tunnel, I thought I saw it a few times, but maybe it was in my mind... I went back inbound and got off at the castro, I went to starbucks on 18th and got some orange tea and worked on my senior project but I mostly people watched the entire time and I was being friendly... the guy sitting next to me kissed two guys, I think one was his boyfriend and the other was a friend, but he pinched the other guy's ass... he had a british accent, he was old... he left later and I was still there and some guy asked me if I was interested in modeling or something and was telling me about this audition day, I wasn't really intrigued but I was flattered as fuck... I felt so sexy after it was insane, then people were smiling at me and some lady previously asked me about local gay bars, she was a tourist and she reminded me of rosie o'donnell, I liked her. I saw a dog, a cute dog and s/he was carrying chinese food in his mouth, I pet the dog, s/he was adorable, so I took the metro to the church st. station and saw this girl in a skirt and she was dressed so wonderfully, I feel jealous sometimes because I really like skirts and I wish I had the courage to wear one, I think they are so nice. I went to blockbuster on church to return my vidoes.

I was walking around and went down 16 st. and saw this big crowd in front of this used bookstore, I asked some lady in front what was going on and she told me it was like local art, I went inside and the place was packed, there were singers and they were pretty good, they had flowers in their hair, I loved it... I stood there and watched and I was walking out when they were done and saw they were giving out drinks, I was going to get some mineral water, but a lady gave me white wine and a man said I had white wine written all over my face, I drank it and got really sleepy, my first buzz...

I walked back to the 16th st. bart station
I hate that part//
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Subject://raw, today: 1
Time:9:03 pm.
Mood: hyper.
new sn: nonfadedpassion //

heh, it matches the lj... it's a theme?
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Subject://raw, today: 1
Time:9:03 pm.
Mood: hyper.
so why did I start this again? I guess because I felt like I needed a place to put my poetry in and even though my old lj was kinda funky... I got tired of writing about tired cliche teen shit so I just gave up, I feel differently about life in some ways now so fuck what people think of me today I should just stand for myself and smile, but not knod without knowing what is being heard.
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LiveJournal for paintedpassion.

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